BBC Transcript - Lord of the Ring -

Fellowship of the Ring

1-2-2. Mushrooms!

[Cow moo]

Pippin: Hullo! I know these fields! This is Bamfurlong, old Farmer Maggot's land. And - and that's his farm away there in the trees.

Frodo: Oh, no! One trouble after another!

Pippin: What's wrong with Old Maggot? He's a good friend to all the Brandybucks. Of course, he's a terror to trespassers, and keeps ferocious dogs - but after all, folk down here are near the border and have to be more on their guard.

Frodo: All the same, I'm terrified of him and his dogs, and I've avoided his farm for years and years.

Sam: Why's that, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Well, he caught me trespassing after mushrooms several times, when I was a youngster. And on the last occasion he beat me, and then took me and showed me to his dogs. "See, lads," he said, "next time this young varmint sets foot on my land, you can eat him."

[Pippin laughs]

Frodo: "Now see him off!" And they did. And I've never got over the fright.

Pippin: Well then, it's time you made it up.

Frodo: Hm...

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[Dogs bark]

Farmer Maggot: Grip! Wolf! Come on, lads!

Sam: Don't worry, Mr. Frodo. I won't let this Farmer Maggot do you no harm. If he tries, he'll have Sam Gamgee to reckon with.

Frodo: Thank you, Sam!

Farmer Maggot: Hallo! Hallo! And who may you be, and what may you be wanting?

Pippin: Good afternoon, Mr. Maggot!

Farmer Maggot: Well, if it isn't Master Pippin - oh, Mr. Peregrin Took, I should say!

[A dog growls]

Pippin: Yes.

Farmer Maggot: It's lucky for you that I know you. I was just going to have to set my dogs on any strangers. There are some funny goings on today. Course, we do get queer folk wandering in these parts at times. Too near the River. But this fellow was the most outlandish I ever set eyes on.

Pippin: Oh, which fellow do you mean?

Farmer Maggot: well, then, you haven't seen him? Oh, he went up the lane not a long while back. Oh, he was a funny customer and was asking funny questions. Oh, but - well, perhaps you'll come inside, and we'll pass the news more comfortably. I - I have a drop of good ale on tap...

Pippin: Yes!

Farmer Maggot: ...if you and your friends are willing, Mr. Took.

Pippin: Yes, well...

[A dog growls again]

Frodo: Eh, what about the dogs?

[Farmer Maggot laughs]

Farmer Maggot: They won't harm you - not unless I tell 'em to. Here, Grip! Grip, Fang! Heel! Heel!

Pippin: Ah... c - can I introduce my friends? This is Sam Gamgee.

Farmer Maggot: How do you do, Sam?

Sam: How do you do. Mr... Maggot...

Pippin: Uh, and - and this is Mr. Frodo Baggins. You may not remember him, but he - he used to live in Buckland.

Farmer Maggot: Well, if that isn't queerer than ever? Mr. Baggins is it? Oh, come inside! We must talk.

[They drink and set down their mugs]

Pippin: Well, Sam! This makes up for missing the Golden Perch, eh?

Sam: Yes... I suppose so, Mr. Peregrin.

[Frodo takes a drink]

Frodo: Ehm, I - I'm afraid Sam here is rather suspicious of you, Farmer Maggot.

[He clears his throat]

Farmer Maggot: Oh?

Frodo: Eh, well, you see, um - I told him the last time I came to visit you, you gave me a beating to remember you by.

[Farmer Maggot laughs]

Farmer Maggot: Well, Sam, I - I'm sorry I beat your Master, but he shouldn't 'a gone thieving my mushrooms! Oh, I remember you, Mr. Baggins!

[They laugh]

Farmer Maggot: Anyway, that's all in the past! And it wasn't mushrooms I was thinking of when Mr. Peregrin told me your name, Mr. Frodo. You see, I had just heard the name of Baggins before you turned up.

Pippin: How is that, Mr. Maggot?

Farmer Maggot: Well, it was like this. This - this funny customer came riding in at the gate on a big, black horse, and right up to my door. All black he was himself, too, and cloaked and hooded up, as if he did not want to be known. "Good day to you!" I says, going out to him. "This lane don't lead anywhere, and where-ever you may be going, your quickest way will be back to the road." And the Black Fellow sat quite still and then pointed back west, over - over my fields, if you please. He said, "I come from yonder. Have you seen Baggins?" "Oh, be off!" I said. "There are no Bagginses here. You're in the wrong part of the Shire. You had better go back west to Hobbiton - you can go by road this time." "Baggins has left," he answered in a whisper. "He is coming. He is not far away. I wish to find him. If he passes will you tell me? I will come back with gold." "Oh, no you won't," I said. "You'll go back where you belong, double quick. I give you one minute before I call all my dogs." And he gave a sort of hiss. It might have been a laugh, and it might not. Then he spurred his great horse right at me, and I jumped out of the way only just in time. I called my dogs, but he swung off, and rode through the gate like a bolt of thunder. Now. What do you think of that?

Frodo: I don't know what to think.

Farmer Maggot: Well, it's as plain as my nose that no accident brought you and that Rider here on the same afternoon. A - and maybe my news was no great news to you, after all. I'm not asking you to tell me anything you have a mind to keep to yourself. But I see you're in some kind of trouble.

Frodo: Yes, I'm afraid I may be. And since I must try to get to Crickhollow before dark, we must be going.

Pippin: Oh, drink up, Sam! We're off again.

Farmer Maggot: Ah, ah, look, Mr. Frodo! I - I've a notion.

[Sam drinks]

Farmer Maggot: It's nearly sundown and we're going to have our supper. Mrs. Maggot's cooking bacon and mushrooms. I daresay you still have a liking for mushrooms, Mr. Baggins. Anyway, we'd be pleased if you could all stay and have a bite with us.

Frodo: Well, and so should we! But - but, well really, you see, we must...

Farmer Maggot: Now, now, now, wait a... wait a minute! I was going to say: after a bit of supper, I'll get out our small wagon, and I'll take you on your way. And that'll save you a step, and it might also save you trouble of another sort.

Frodo: Thank you, Mr. Maggot! That would be most kind.

[Pippin laughs]

Pippin: Didn't take much to change his mind, did it? What... bacon and... what was it?

Farmer Maggot: Mushrooms.

Pippin: Yes, of course!

[They laugh]

[The wheels of Farmer Maggot's wagon roll along the road]

Farmer Maggot: This mist is going to get worse, I'm thinking. Now, I'll not light my lanterns 'till I turn for home. We'll hear anything on the road long before we meet it.

Frodo: You know, Farmer Maggot, I - I've been in terror of you and your dogs for over thirty years, though you may laugh to hear it. It's a pity, for I've missed a good friend.

Farmer Maggot: Well, you should never have gone gettin' yourself mixed up with Hobbiton folk. I shouldn't be surprised if this trouble you're in now hasn't come from those strange doings of Mr. Bilbo. Anyway, I - I'm glad you've had the sense to come back to Buckland. And my advice is: stay here.

[A horse approaches the wagon]

Farmer Maggot: Whoe, there! Oh, someone's comin'!

Sam: You'd... you'd better be hidden, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Yes.

Sam: Get down in the wagon. Cover up with blankets.

Frodo: All right.

Sam: We'll soon send this Rider to the rightabouts!

Farmer Maggot: Hallo there! Now, then, don't you come a step nearer.

[The horse stops]

Farmer Maggot: What do you want? Who are you?

Merry: Why, it's me, Mr. Maggot!

Farmer Maggot: Oh, Mr. Merry!

Merry: Yes, of course! Who did you think it was?

Pippin: You can come out, Frodo, it was only Merry.

Farmer Maggot: Merry!

Frodo: Thank goodness for that!

Merry: What's all this about? And where did you find them, Mr. Maggot? In your duck-pond?

Farmer Maggot: No, I - I caught them trespassing. Oh, but they'll tell you the story, I've no doubt. Well, it's been a queer day, and no mistake. But all's well that ends well; though perhaps we should not say that 'till we reach our own doors. Oh, there now! I - I... I was nearly forgettin'. Ah, Mrs. Maggot put this up for Mr. Baggins with her compliments.

Frodo: Oh, thank you, Mr. Maggot!

Farmer Maggot: Well, good-night to you all.

[They all bid him good-night. His wagon rolls away]

Pippin: What's in the basket, Frodo?

[Frodo sniffs]

Frodo: Eh, mushrooms, if I'm not very much mistaken!

[They laugh]

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